Luke, Chris and Andy and The Gash (True Story)

The following events really happened….

Luke, Chris and Andy sat on the sofa with the curtains drawn, blocking out the bright Canarian sunshine outside which beat down on the volcanic island like a drunken step dad would on his effeminate step-son. For a few months they had known each other, but already they were like brothers, like the three musketeers swash-buckling from one bizarre situation to another. Holiday Reps they were, drawn to the occupation with the promise of cheap booze, sunshine and sex. Unfortunately for them, drunkenness was often more achievable than the sex.
Today was their day off. Their one day a week to be free of the obese and over-tattooed ASBO and Giro collectors that are called British holiday makers to the rest of us. Of course they had been on a night of drunken debauchery the night before in the hedonist’s playground called Playa De Las Americas, and in the morning they were continuing each with a bottle of San Miguel in their hand. It had been a night where Keith Richard’s would have said (had he been there) “Hang on fellas, is this a good idea?”
They had just finished watching “Lord of the Rings” on DVD. Chris stood up and pulled the curtains apart much to the discomfort of Luke and Andy. This was because Andy had picked up some exotic eye infection, his steroid eye-drops caused his pupils to be constantly dilated and Luke thinking it would be funny had tried Andy’s medicine in just one of his eyes. Andy grabbed his sunglasses to protect his eye-sight and Luke just closed his one diluted eye. Luke thought he looked cool. Like a pirate or Mad Max.
“Let’s do something!” Exclaimed Chris in his broad Birmingham accent. He rubbed his bald head as he stepped onto the sunshine drenched balcony. The other two followed him out into the sunshine. They looked at the view across the apartment complex. On the other side of the communal swimming pool, across the busy road there was an extinct volcano. It was not quite a mountain, but it was a lot larger than a mere hill. It was dry and rocky with dry plant-life poking out of the cracks in the rock. There was a huge crevice in the side which made it look a bit like a giant vagina according to the boys; the dry plant life looked a bit like stubble.
“Let’s conquer the gash.” said Luke. He was often full of great and amazing ideas such as this. He had often got into many scrapes and situations in his non-descript Kentish home town often resulting in missing dinner due to being stuck in an ambulance, maybe that’s why he was so skinny?
“Aye, let’s do it. That’s a great idea. Let’s do something constructive for once.” Andy grinned. Andy was a Scottish lad with multi-coloured spiky hair. Luke envied Andy’s hair. It never moved, it was always in place no matter what happened, not like his hair which just which was some kind of messy quiff he looked like an anorexic Elvis impersonator. Chris just wished he had hair.
“We can be like Hobbits, we can have a Hobbit adventure.” said Chris
“Aye big man, but we won’t be as gay.” Added Andy
“There’s nothing more heterosexual than climbing a volcano that looks like a vagina.” Reasoned Luke.
With that the lads agreed. They left the apartment and headed down the lift, across the pool area, across the busy road equipped with nothing but their shorts, sunglasses and trainers still drunk from their drinking binge that never really had ended until this point. The three adventures stood at the bottom of the extinct volcano, looking at the crevice they tastefully had dubbed “The Gash”.
“We nay gonna make it we climb The Gash. We’re gonna have ta go round it.” This was the most sensible statement Andy had come out with in months.
“That’s not the attitude you normally take Andy” said Chris “I think you’re right though.”
“Its true.” said Luke “The Gash looks a bit dangerous. “We’ll have to go up the edge, conquer The Flaps if you will. Maybe on the way down we can try The Gash?”

The three guys began their ascent, scrambling up the loose rocks in the unforgiving sun grabbing on to the dry plant life and bushes to give them leverage. Half an hour later sweating and thirsty they stopped, cursing themselves for not actually considering bring any water of them. Looking back over their shoulders they could see their apartment block. It looked so small, yet they were only half way up. They had severely underestimated the scale of their challenge. They had started to attract giant flies due to their sweaty effort, like they were three big pieces of juicy dog excrement climbing up the slope. Eventually after a momentous effort due to the temperature and their dehydration they reached the peak of the Volcano. The view was amazing from the top. They could see the blue sea, jagged mountains and the whole of the resorts of Los Cristianos and Playa De Las Americas a mixture of hotels bars and building sites which would in turn give birth to more hotels to satisfy the hunger of the British, Germans and Scandinavian holiday makers to get drunk in, smash up and complain about.
After a few minutes to take in the view, they all plonked down on their behinds. Luke lit a cigarette his mouth was as dry as a cracker and it was the least satisfying smoke of his life.
“We’ve done it!” Chris cheerfully panted “We’ve conquered Mount Doom, we are the new Hobbits, jog on Frodo!”
“Yeah we done it, we’ve actually done something with our day instead of sleep and drink. We should do this more often. God I need a drink.” said Luke
“Can I borrow ye lighter?” asked Andy. Luke passed him the lighter and took in the view.
“Now we’ve got to get down….can you smell burning?” Chris asked turning around.
“SHIT!” cried Andy as the dry plant life ignited from the flame he was playing with. The fire grew fast. The ravenous flames eating the dry plants rapidly like an angry fat child eating a Yorkie bar. Desperately they tried to extinguish the flames stamping their feet on them, but it was fruitless.
“Oh my god, we’re going to jail, we’re going to Spanish jail. I’m going to be buggered by a big hairy cell mate called Pedro.” panicked Chris.
“Shut ya yapping and keep stamping.” shouted Andy. “Let’s try and do a wee.”

Quickly they all gathered around the fire, trying desperately to squeeze out a wee. Again they cursed themselves for not bringing any water. After much straining and grunting they managed to each expel a tiny yellow trickle each putting out a fraction of the baby (soon to be teenage) inferno. Luke dropped to his knees hurling dirt at the fire scrabbling around like a frantic mole. The other two followed his lead and did likewise. The dirt felt moist, not as dry as the surrounding volcanic dust and it was working a treat putting out the flames. After the flames were extinguished it then dawned on them that they had been throwing the dust around that was damp from their own urine.
Disgusted and smelling like Leicester Square tramps they began their descent. To their surprise going down was a lot harder than going up as is the problem with most gashes Luke pointed out. They followed through with their ill conceived plan of descending through “The Gash”, getting stuck dangling at what Chris described as “The Clitoris”. After much swearing and scrambling another diversion was required and much later they arrived at the base of the volcano.
Chris, Luke and Andy eyed the cool swimming pool across the road. With little regard to the traffic off they ran into the complex. Chris and Luke jumped in the ice cold water feeling instantly refreshed. Andy a little way behind them as he threw off his shorts and trainers diving in naked. With the little energy they had Luke and Chris heaved themselves out of the pool. Then out came Andy. Emerging from the pool like a newly born baby.
“Hey look lads! I’m a girl.” Andy cheerfully exclaimed, tucking his genitals between his legs to create the illusion of him having lady bits. Chris and Luke laughed. Luke laughed so much a little squirt of wee came out “where was that earlier?” he thought to himself.
The laughter soon was followed by shouts of Spanish anger. The guys looked to their left. To their horror there was a Spanish family barbecue being held in the apartment complex. They were probably having a lovely relaxing family bonding day innocently eating chorizos until the screaming Scottish he/she went and ruined it all. The senoritas giggled and pointed. The senors spat with fury and unleashed the huge family guard dog. Much barking ensued from the dog’s mouth, saliva dripping off his razor sharp teeth, obviously disgruntled by not being allowed any burgers at the barbecue.
“RUN!” Andy screamed. He started running as fast as he could to avoid his man-bits becoming the dog’s main course. Still laughing Chris and Luke scrambled to the gate of their apartment block flinging it open and slamming it behind them saving them from certain excruciating pain and tetanus and rabies injections at the hospital later.
Luke, Chris and Andy walked into the cool apartment and sat on the sofa where there day had begun. They had come full circle. The adventure had ended.
“Well that was different.” Chris said nonchalantly.
“Aye we set ourselves a target, and we achieved it.” Andy said “I feel satisfied”
“We achieved a lot” said Luke “For a start we achieved dehydration, arson and indecent exposure.” They all sat in silence and contemplated the events of the day and then they agreed. This had been the best day of their lives. They had seen, they had conquered and they had overcome.


Mr. Humperdink

This was a story I had to write in a Creative Writing Class, I had to use the University Of Greenwich as a setting. This is what came out my mind…and yes, I had to read this to a bemused class.

Mr. Humperdink shuffled into the grand premises of Greenwich University. He looked so out of place compared to the big proud stone buildings, him being a scruffy, flea-bitten, hunchback old man who resembled a goat.
Mr. Humperdink moved through the black gates at the speed of a tortoise with three legs. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a fat balding security guard grabbed him by the shoulder of his long ragged brown coat.
“Excuse me! Where is your student I.D.?” bellowed the angry security guard. Mr. Humperdink twisted his neck the best that he could to look up to his obese obstacle.
“Do I look like a bloody student? You fat oath.”
“Then what are you doing here after 6 p.m.?” The security guard shouted all red in his flabby cheeks.
“If you must know, I have come to find a magic potion hidden in that building over there, so I can take over the world.” Mr Humperdink stated calmly. He indicated the building with his long twiglet like finger.
Clearly taken aback it took a few seconds to comprehend and pull himself together.
“Look. I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. It goes against University policy.” Blustered the security guard.
“I was hoping you would say that.” A wry smile spread across Mr.Humperdink’s wrinkly face under his scraggly beard. He waved his finger and with a puff of smoke the security guard had turned into a cigarette. One of those cheap mucky tasting ones. Mr Humperdink groaned as he bent down to pick up the cigarette . The whole process took about 15 minutes due to his bad back.
“Twat.” He cackled as he lit it up and smoked it. The cigarette screamed as it burnt down to the butt.
It took about 10 minutes of shuffling until Mr.Humperdink reached the grand courtyard. This would make a fine Palace when he took over the world. Mentally he put it on his “list of things to do” just after obliterating France ,Milton Keynes and Kerry Katona. He boiled with rage at the thought of Kerry Katona.
He came to a huge flight of cold stone stairs. They were all that stood in the way of world domination. He stood there at the bottom pondering his next move. “Bollocks” He said to himself. He was knackered he would never be able to walk up those stairs.
From behind him a kind attractive young lady tapped him on the hump. He hated people tapping his hump.
“Sir? There is a disabled lift here, if you just follow me this way.” She said with a smile.
Mr. Humperdink followed her. “She has a lovely arse.” he thought to himself. “I wish I could straighten my back so I could have a look at her bangers. I will make her one of my harlots when I take power.”
The young attractive lady left him at the lift. The doors closed. The lift was strangely modern in such an old building.
“Second floor! To my destiny!!!” he giggled. The lift did not move. He stood there confused. “SECOND FLOOR!”. Nothing happened. Mr. Humperdink shuffled around turning his head. “Oh” He noticed the buttons and pressed number 2.

He rose to the second floor. The lift doors glided open smoothly. Mr Humperdink was far from smooth. He exited the lift shuffling slowly, the lift doors closing on him and squashing him because he took so long. “FROG TITS!” he blurted out in rage.
He came to the door of the classroom he wanted. In here was the potion he was after. He pulled on the door and pulled again. It was stuck. “FANNY-FLAPS!” he shouted in a rage. He had used all his magic for the day on that “jobs-worth” security guard. He huffed and then had an idea. He pushed the door and it opened.
Mr.Humperdink entered the empty classroom. He was so close now. He approached a seemingly empty cabinet except for a green marker pen and some old papers in a plastic folder on the bottom shelf. The cabinet creaked as it opened, or it could have been his arm, he was not sure. Mr. Humperdink picked up the marker pen with his skeletal hands and took off the lid. This was not a normal pen, it was actually some kind of container. He held it to his dry crusty lips and drank the bright green liquid inside. He felt the fireworks in his belly which surged to his arms, legs and spine. He felt incredible and powerful. He would be a God! Now the world would pay espescially France, The Isle Of Sheppey and that thick bitch Jade Goody!
Then suddenly he exploded in a puff of green smoke. He had turned into a blue chair. He matched all the other chairs in the classroom. What he didn’t know was that all the other chairs were all wizards that had tried to get the potion and take over the world. Forever they would remain as chairs to be sat on by students. Not even attractive young female students which would be some comfort. Just ugly fat students. For it was the “Feminist Studies” class.


Natty Dreads And The 3 Babylons (A Yardie Fairy Tale)

NattyDreads was walking down Electric Avenue listening to Bounty Killa
on her i-pod. She was the finest girl in the whole of Brixton. She had a
big sexy batty and the nattiest dreads in town. All di men dem wanted
to whine up and grind against her. She was wizard.

She was walking to her grandma’s house to deliver some Hard dough bread
and some jerk chicken. She was very tired, as she had been bogling at a
dancehall all last night…so she saw a house with a door open…for
some reason she went in…

Nattydreads walked into the house and saw 3 spliffs PON DE table.

She took a puff of the first one.

” DIS SPLIFF TOO WEAK MAN, CHA” said Nattydreads

she went on to the next


she went on to the last spliff

and she smoked it all up.

Nattydreads was MASH up!!!

She had the munchies big time!…she walked into the kitchen. She
was relieved to find it nice and tidy with no excrement, so it couldn’t possibly be a crack den.

She was happy. She saw 3 plates of jerk pork, rice and peas and dumplings!
She took a mouthful of the first plate. She pulled a screw face and
kissed her teeth


she was vexed and moved to the next plate


she was well vexed now, and moved to the last plate


she was well happy, she bogled and did the boom-shack-a-lack
but now she was well tired.

Nattydreads went upstairs
She was well MASH UP, so she needed a lay down. She came across 3 beds.
Nattydreads lay in the first bed

“dis bed be harder than DMX and Mike Tyson put together!”

she kissed her teeth, and moved on to the next bed
“dis bed be softer than P Diddy , Warren G and R.Kelly put together!

She got up well vexed and pulled a screwface Then she came to the last bed which was just right!

She fell asleep and dreamt of grinding with Kanye West while Usher sang.

What Nattydread didn’t realise while she slept is that the house
belonged to 3 Babylons..

The Babylons were monitoring a crack den across the road, apparently the
dealers had trained squirrels to manufacture drugs and the police were
keeping their eyes on the situation. The Babylons were very racist and
not nice at all. They had just been out buying Donuts to go with their
Caribbean takeaway as they did not like “foreign muck”. While they had
been out they had beaten a Trinidadian for looking in the general
direction of a sports car.

The Babylons were:
Bald Babylon, Fat Babylon and Ginger Babylon

Bald and Fat Babylon secretly laughed and despised Ginger Babylon
because he was ginger.

They entered the house and noticed that the 3 spliffs they confiscated
from some Chav kids had been blazed!

“WHO’s BEEN SMOKING OUR STASH!” boomed Bald Babylon

they entered the kitchen.


screamed Fat Babylon,who didn’t like being denied food, even if it was
“foreign muck”

Ginger Babylon pointed out that Fat Babylon didn’t like it anyway,but
Fat and Bald Babylon both screamed at him because he was ginger.
Then they went upstairs to find Nattydreads asleep in their beds. Ginger
Babylon was secretly pleased to see a pretty Jamaican girl asleep in his
bed. He did not get much female attention and secretly fancied black
ladies ever since he patrolled Notting Hill Carnival in 1994 when he was dutty wined against.

“YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!” shouted Fat and Bald Babylon.

Nattydread jumped up out of bed

” RAHTID !!” SHE SCREAMED, confronted by 3 angry Babylons..

She knew she had to get out fast or face some police brutality.out of
her hand-bag she pulled out her pepper spray and squirted it in the Eyes
of the 3 dirty Babylons

While they were coughing and spluttering.Nattydreads legged it out of
the house and down Electric Avenue her dreads flapping in the wind.


Nattydreads realised that she left her Grandma’s hard dough bread and
jerk chicken in the Babylons’ house. She kiss her teet
and slowly walked to her Grandma’s house to face the music.
Grandma was not happy she’d been on Red Stripe again and was very drunk!
And she gave her licks! She never received such a thrashing!


Nattydreads learnt her lesson Never walk into a house you don’t own, or you get in trouble with the Police
Also she learnt Grandma is a psycho when she’s hungry
Da End…rewind selectaaa


Welcome To My Kingdom Of Wrongness!

I shouldn’t really be allowed to document what goes through my head….but fuck it!

November 2017
« Mar